Daily Cow: Archive

Aug 1st

“No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes...”
— Lin Yutang

Aug 1st

“What do I want to take home from my summer vacation? Time....”
— Ellen Goodman

Aug 1st

Listen

The Who - Did You Steal My Money

Aug 1st

And Now For Something Completely...

Husband asks “What would you do if I won lotto?” Wife says “I’d take half of...

Aug 1st

A night out bowling where, as usual, I kicked ass with...

Aug 1st

My daughter gets a kiss from one of the Blue Men…

Aug 1st

Her dog Fletch who I nicknamed “Diamond Dog”...

Aug 1st

Out to dinner at the Brazilian Steakhouse…

Aug 1st

Back Again

Had a great week in Florida and was only on the computer to print out my return boarding pass. A...

Aug 1st

Dad & Daughter will be together again!

Jul 23rd

Going Away

I’ll be going away for a week to Florida to visit my daughter. I want have much time to...

Jul 23rd

“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous...”
— Jimmy Breslin

Jul 23rd

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that...”
— Rita Rudner

Jul 23rd

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards....”
— Steven Wright

Jul 23rd

“In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the...”
— Stephen Wright

Jul 23rd

“I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental...”
— Steve Allen

Jul 23rd

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must...”
— Unknown flight attendant

Jul 23rd

Buckle Up

Muhammad Ali: Superman don't need no seat belt.
Flight attendant: Superman don't need no airplane, either.

Jul 23rd

Jul 22nd

Listen

The Who - I Can See For Miles

Jul 22nd

theduty: this could get interesting.

Jul 22nd

One bad inning and no run support spells out a loss. Next...

Jul 22nd

“My pitching philosophy is simple - keep the ball way from...”
— Satchel Paige

Jul 22nd

“All my life I believed I knew something. But then one...”
— Ezra Pound

Jul 22nd

Jul 21st

“Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think,...”
— Christopher Morley

Jul 21st

Titty Tuesday Twofer…

Jul 21st

Titty Tuesday Twofer…

Jul 21st

Eyes Glaze Over

Twitter Health Care Sarah Palin American Idol Reality TV Jon Corzine Green Bail Outs ...

Jul 21st

Favorite Bands

Pneumatic Pubes Karma Krap Aardvark’s Aahing Transexual Tumblarity Dan’s Diapers

Jul 21st

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”
— Milton Berle

Jul 21st

“To make a rock’n’roll record, technology is the...”
— Keith Richards

Jul 21st

“Rock ‘n Roll: The most brutal, ugly, desperate,...”
— Frank Sinatra

Jul 21st

Listen

Beatles - Hey Bulldog (instrumental)

Jul 21st

“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands...”
— Dave Barry

Jul 21st

“I believe in running through the rain and crashing into the...”
— Billy Bob Thornton

Jul 21st

“There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to...”
— Rod Serling

Jul 21st

“The religious idea of God cannot do full duty for the...”
— Alan Watts

Jul 21st

“It is good a philosopher should remind himself, now and...”
— Ariel Durant

Jul 21st

John Burroughs with some woodchucks. He was a naturalist in...

Jul 21st

John Burroughs & Henry Ford at Woodchuck Lodge. My great...

Jul 21st

“Every day is a Sabbath to me. All pure water is holy water,...”
— John Burroughs

Jul 21st

Unhinged

Bubba is fixing a door and he finds that he needs a new hinge, so he sends Mary Louise to the...

Jul 21st

Checkmate

A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in a hotel lobby discussing their tournament victories....

Jul 21st

Pun Backwards Is Nup

Did you hear about the “believer” who refused his dentist’s offer of novocain...

Jul 21st

Jul 20th

Typewritten Post

NEW YORK, July 13 (UPI) — New York Police Department officials said the city is spending...

Jul 20th

“Bill Gates is busy trying to save the world. He’s working on...”
— Jimmy Kimmel

Jul 20th

Seminal Emissions

For nocturnal emissions sparks to the lower part of the spine are advised, followed by a...

Jul 20th

Ted Turner Quotes

On facing death: “In a way it will be a relief. You don’t have to wake up every day.” On CNN: “It...

Jul 20th

Does your vacuum cleaner suck?

Jul 20th

“In the end, everything is a gag.”
— Charlie Chaplin

Jul 20th

mudwerks: xkcd

Jul 20th

Listen

Golliwogs - Don’t Tell Me No Lies

Jul 20th

“For the first time in the history of the world, every human...”
— Rachel Carson

Jul 20th

“All men while they are awake are in one common world: but...”
— Plutarch

Jul 20th

Jul 19th

“I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.”

Jul 19th

“Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair...”
— H.G. Wells

Jul 19th

9gag: A Bumpy Road

Jul 19th

Fast Forward

Gone With The Wind owes its making to speed. According to film historians, producer David O....

Jul 19th

“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

Jul 19th

“Most of the trouble with most people in America who become...”
— Sammy Davis, Jr.

Jul 19th

“Show me an Eskimo who sells eyeglasses and I’ll show...”

Jul 19th

“The best thing about the future is that it only comes one...”

Jul 19th

Listen

The Who - Substitute (live)

Jul 19th

“The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were the...”
— Wilson Mizner

Jul 19th

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know...”
— Oscar Wilde

Jul 19th

“After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel...”
— Friedrich Nietzsche

Jul 19th

“Warning: The following statistics not for the faint of...”
— (Technorati: State of the...

Jul 19th

One Liners

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it...

Jul 19th

HighQ

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

Jul 19th

A Joke

If a male inmate is caught having sex with a female officer in a walk-in freezer can the inmate be...

Jul 19th

“Being drunk is a good disguise. I drink so I can talk to...”
— Jim Morrison

Jul 19th

“Ennui has made more gamblers than avarice, more drunkards...”
— Buddah

Jul 19th

9gag: Strange Building: The Basket Building

Jul 18th

Listen

Mississippi Sheiks - Bed Spring Poker

Jul 18th

“The one thing the blues don’t get is the backing and...”
— John Lee Hooker

Jul 18th

“If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but...”
— Rory Bremner

Jul 18th

“Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper....”
— Andy Rooney

Jul 18th

OK, it’s Caturday. Give your pussy some extra...

Jul 18th

I Forgot Your Number

The short-term memory capacity for most people is between five and nine items or digits. This is one...

Jul 18th

Passing Gas

When the urge to pass gas in public arises, look for one of two types of people, either a baby or a...

Jul 18th

Bathroom Reading=Poor Diet

Reading material close at hand to the throne is a sign of dietary fiber insufficiency. You should be...

Jul 18th

“I have terrible hearing trouble. I have unwittingly helped...”
— Pete Townshend

Jul 18th

Jul 17th

“I was in the car with my girlfriend and she said,...”
— Gilbert Gottfried

Jul 17th

Late Night Wrapup

Earlier today at her confirmation hearings, Sonia Sotomayor said that judges gather information from...

Jul 17th

I’m cumming home (again)…

Jul 17th

Sex Fact

On any given day 400,000,000 people around the world — 1 in 17 of us — will have sexual...

Jul 17th

“Don’t you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up...”
— Gallagher

Jul 17th

Listen

Moody Blues - Gypsy

Jul 17th

& negativity never pulls you through…

Jul 17th

Open for da’ bizness’

Jul 17th

“Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket...”
— Dwight D. Eisenhower

Jul 17th

“I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning...”
— Fran Lebowitz

Jul 17th

“Children ask better questions than adults. May I have a...”
— Fran Lebowitz

Jul 17th

Headlines

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents Never hold herpes infection from loved one Astronaut takes...

Jul 17th

“There is never enough time-unless you’re serving it.”
— Malcolm Forbes

Jul 17th

“Isn’t it strange that computers today can do things...”
— Gene Perret

Jul 17th

THURSDAY night inside the house…

Jul 17th

THURSDAY night outside the house…

Jul 17th

Think about where you are…

Jul 17th

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where...”
— George Carlin

Jul 17th

Power To The People…

Jul 16th

Listen

John Mellencamp - Jackie Brown

Jul 16th

“Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity,...”
— Paul Valery

Jul 16th

and castles made of sand…

Jul 16th

Bitter

Tough days ahead, I can feel it in my bones and brain. The music is over and everything is going...

Jul 16th

Sticky Sevens

This p.m. my indoor/outdoor thermometer clock registered 7:07 p.m. with a temp. inside and outside...

Jul 16th

“The beginnings and endings of all human undertakings are...”

Jul 16th

“Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by...”
— John von Neumann

Jul 16th

“Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking...”
— Caroline Rhea

Jul 16th

Jul 15th

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Sonia Sotomayor Is Getting Cocky 10. Addressed senators with “Whaddaya say,...

Jul 15th

God Says Strike Out?

“God tells me what I need to do,” Albert Pujols said, “and I go out and do...

Jul 15th

Laugh Clown Laugh

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It’s not hard. Q: How do you circumcise...

Jul 15th

Beatles naked (photoshopped obviously)…

Jul 15th

Listen

John Fogerty - Summer Of Love

Jul 15th

OH MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA All the lights are out. Did you forget to fuck the meter man?

Jul 15th

“If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But...”
— Lily Tomlin

Jul 15th

“I’ve always had the impression that real militants are...”
— Francois Truffaut

Jul 14th

Joke

Why can’t women read maps? Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept that one inch...

Jul 14th

Titty Tuesday Twins Twofer Equals Four…

Jul 14th

CMEN PACKS

Our semen face cream packs are sold on a monthly basis but you will receive a Styrofoam pack each...

Jul 14th

Titty Tuesday…

Jul 14th

Titty Tuesday twofer…

Jul 14th

BREAST MILK PACKS

Our breast milk packs are sold on a monthly basis but you will receive a Styrofoam pack each week...

Jul 14th

Bull Semen Hair Conditioner

You’ve probably heard about olive oil or even mayonnaise to moisturize hair, but how about...

Jul 14th

Oh, chocolate sprinkles!

Jul 14th

Old Penis Found

Scientists have confirmed the oldest penis-like structure in an ancient fish specimen. The discovery...

Jul 14th

EMP also spells END…

Jul 14th

EMP Spells Disaster

…when an atomic bomb is detonated above the earth’s atmosphere, it can generate a...

Jul 14th

Electromagnetic Pulse

Electromagnetic pulse (EMP) is an electromagnetic wave similar to radio waves, which results from...

Jul 14th

Listen

13th Floor Elevator - Splash (Now I’m Home)

Jul 14th

LOST THE SPACE

Where I drove you crazy. Now I have to park in the other room.

Jul 14th

Things That Try Your Sanity

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them....

Jul 14th

Ways To Be Offensive At A Funeral

Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was that she make love with you. Tell the...

Jul 14th

Effers

My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale after another class returned from a trip to a working farm:
Wife: David, did you enjoy the trip to the farm?
David: Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers.
Wife: Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?
David: Oh, they're the animals that give us milk.
Wife: But who said they were called, er, fuckers?
David: Our teacher. Well, actually she called them "effers", but we all knew what she meant.

Jul 14th

Watch Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had just acquired two new dogs. She asked her blonde...

Jul 14th

“I had the honor of meeting all of Hef’s seven...”
— Artie Lange, Hugh Hefner...

Jul 14th

Senior Personal Ads

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are...

Jul 14th

Joke

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding...

Jul 14th

“We idolized The Beatles, except for those of us who idolized...”
— Dave Barry

Jul 14th

“I hate this “crime doesn’t pay” stuff....”
— Peter Kirk

Jul 14th

Jul 13th

Open Up Wide Records

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los...

Jul 13th

Oprah Misleads

In a long and extraordinarily successful career, Oprah Winfrey has often been wrong, but she rarely,...

Jul 13th

Listen

Mark Knopfler - Song For Sonny Liston

Jul 13th

“It is a fact that millions of people are being stimulated to...”
— Paul Brunton

Jul 13th

“All of us somehow felt that the next battleground was going...”
— Kalle Lasn

Jul 13th

Daily Cow

2009

2008

2007

And Now For Something Completely...

Back Again

Going Away

Buckle Up

Eyes Glaze Over

Favorite Bands

Unhinged

Checkmate

Pun Backwards Is Nup

Typewritten Post

Seminal Emissions

Ted Turner Quotes

Fast Forward

One Liners

HighQ

A Joke

I Forgot Your Number

Passing Gas

Bathroom Reading=Poor Diet

Late Night Wrapup

Sex Fact

Headlines

Bitter

Sticky Sevens

Late Show Top Ten

God Says Strike Out?

Laugh Clown Laugh

Joke

CMEN PACKS

BREAST MILK PACKS

Bull Semen Hair Conditioner

Old Penis Found

EMP Spells Disaster

Electromagnetic Pulse

LOST THE SPACE

Things That Try Your Sanity

Ways To Be Offensive At A Funeral

Effers

Watch Dogs

Senior Personal Ads

Joke

Open Up Wide Records

Oprah Misleads