Daily Cow

2009

December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2008

December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2007

December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January
May 2nd
Listen Listen
Five Americans - Western Union
May 2nd
May 1st
“My husband’s German. Every night I get dressed up as...”
— Bette Midler
May 1st
May 1st

Pension Birthday

May 1st (today) is my pension birthday. What that means is that I put another year in the pension...
May 1st
May 1st
May 1st
“Probably the closest things to perfection are the huge...”
— Richard Brautigan
May 1st
And now for something completely different!
Apr 30th

It's A Conspiracy

Why Swine Flu Isn’t Going to Kill Us All, Part II Posted by Drew at 2009-04-30  03:09:13...
Apr 30th
That crazy killer MDC was inspired by this piece of...
Apr 30th
Haven’t read this one yet.
Apr 30th
Apr 30th

Books Read April 2009

Old God’s Almost Dead - Stephen Davis (624 pages) A Child Again - Robert Coover (200...
Apr 30th
Apr 30th
Apr 30th

tumblr News Flash

It has just been reported from the tumblr staff that everything that can be posted has been posted...
Apr 30th
Beatles vs. Rolling Stones vs. Dylan
Apr 30th
Ali vs. Frazier (click to enlarge)
Apr 30th
Fun with tumblr trends. Religion vs. sex (click to enlarge)
Apr 30th
Apr 30th
“Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy — or vice versa.”
— Dorothy Parker
Apr 30th
Apr 30th
Question: What has six balls and screws you twice a week?
Answer: Lotto!
Apr 30th
Apr 30th
“You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life...”
— Heathcote Williams
Apr 30th
Apr 30th
“Like computer viruses, successful mind viruses will tend to...”
— Richard Dawkins
Apr 30th
Apr 29th
Apr 29th

Transparency

At this point, the details become less interesting, and I am going to switch to philosophy. Why...
Apr 29th
Apr 29th

I Forgot To Forget

Johnson: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Thompson: Yes.
Johnson: And it what way does it affect your memory?
Thompson: I forget.
Johnson: You forget. Can you give an example of something you've forgotten?
Apr 29th
Apr 29th
“When a man is out of sight, it is not too long before he is...”
— Thomas Kempis
Apr 29th
Dave’s not here!
Apr 29th
Do germs come from Germans? Does hunger come from...
Apr 29th
“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that...”
— Henry Ford
Apr 29th
Titty Tuesday!
Apr 28th
“If a man is pictured chopping off a woman’s breast, it...”
— Sally Struthers
Apr 28th
There’s nothing like morning wood!
Apr 28th
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and...”
— Dave Barry
Apr 28th
Second win in a row. Retired 13 batters in a row at one...
Apr 28th
Apr 28th

Headlines

Couple caught having sex in dumpster. I told you she was trash. If you’re not willing to eat...
Apr 28th
Apr 28th

Some Jokes

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of...
Apr 28th
Apr 28th
“Men don’t fake orgasm - no man wants to pull a face...”
— Allan Pease
Apr 28th
Clitty Tuesday…
Apr 28th
Apr 28th
“[On encountering Dylan in the early ’60s:] The only...”
— Liam Clancy
Apr 28th
Apr 28th
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?...”
— Drew Carey
Apr 28th
Apr 28th
“Why are we here? Well, we’re peaking up the skirt of...”
— Tony Vigorito
Apr 28th
Apr 28th
“For disappearing acts, it’s hard to beat what happens...”
— Doug Larson
Apr 28th
Apr 27th
“Addictions do come in handy sometimes: at least you have to...”
— Martin Amis
Apr 27th
Apr 27th
“The entire universe is a great theater of mirrors, a set of...”
— Alice A. Bailey
Apr 27th
Apr 27th

Jack Hears Voices

Jack: What was that you said?
David: Nothing.
Jack: You said nothing?
David: No, I didn't say nothing. I didn't speak.
Jack: You didn't say anything?
David: No.
Jack: Well, I'm off to see the doctor...
Apr 27th
Apr 27th
“Almost everything The Beatles did was great, and it’s...”
— T-Bone Burnett
Apr 27th
Apr 27th
“Real sex is Fats Domino. Bad sex is… Pat Boone.”
— Rev. Bleepo Abernathy
Apr 27th
Apr 27th
Listen Listen
Koko Taylor - Wang Dang Doodle
Apr 27th
Apr 26th

The Weather

I live in New Jersey where in one day you can have all four seasons. This weekend it turned very...
Apr 26th
Well now we can add two more…
Apr 26th

My tumblr Stats

You have been an active tumblelogger since Thu, 08 Nov 2007 and overall you have made the total...
Apr 26th
Apr 26th
“I’ve tried everything. I can say to you with...”
— Dan Rather
Apr 26th
Apr 26th
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good...”
— Dennis Wholey
Apr 26th
(via dukethecat)
Apr 26th
Apr 26th

COW IN THE FAST LANE

On I-80, ignoring the sign “Slow traffic, keep right” Plodding left of center Goes one...
Apr 26th
Apr 26th

As The Butter Churns

“I will love you for heifer,” Bull said, his nostrils flaring provocatively. “Oh,...
Apr 26th
Apr 25th
Listen Listen
Creedence Clearwater Revival - It Came Out Of The Sky
Apr 25th
Diamond enjoys the warm weather…
Apr 25th

Carlin On Irony

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the...
Apr 25th
Apr 25th
“I have learned that two people can look at the exact same...”
— James Rhinehart
Apr 25th
Apr 25th
Happy Caturday! Don’t forget to pamper your...
Apr 25th
Get me a Poke, I mean Coke…
Apr 25th
Donald Trump says now is a good time to buy real estate. ...
Apr 25th
Apr 25th
“When you suddenly smell barbeque and there’s no barbeque...”
— Russ
Apr 25th
Apr 25th

Just The Facts

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 Intelligent people...
Apr 25th
With my mother about 20 years ago…
Apr 25th

Brain Constipation

Days like today I just can’t come up with any ideas. My brain is constipated and no matter how...
Apr 25th
Apr 25th
“All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent...”
— Thomas Szasz
Apr 25th
Apr 24th

GOLF

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies...
Apr 24th
Apr 24th

Rule Of Thumb

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a...
Apr 24th
Apr 24th

Two Words

Cuddle Puddle Coitus Continuous Dam Diaphragm Condom Minimum Balls Deep Clitoris Licorice Nipple Nap...
Apr 24th
Apr 24th

Famous Insults #2

You were born with your legs apart. They’ll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. (Joe...
Apr 24th
Apr 24th

Famous Insults

I married your mother because I wanted children; imagine my disappointment when you came along....
Apr 24th
Apr 23rd
Listen Listen
Procol Harum - Shine On Brightly
Apr 23rd
Apr 23rd

Monologues

Happy Earth Day … or as the oil companies call it — Wednesday. Even Dick Cheney got into...
Apr 23rd
What’s for dinner honey?
Apr 23rd

Fark Headlines

Indian tribe seeking restitution for lands lost in the 1800s. They plan to Sioux. High school...
Apr 23rd
Apr 23rd
“I am a man who pisses largely and frequently. This, they...”
— Henry Miller
Apr 23rd
Apr 22nd
“Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional...”
— Casey Stengel
Apr 22nd
First win of the year and gave up no runs. Control was off...
Apr 22nd
Some “Slack” time at work. What’s that in...
Apr 22nd
“Moses parted the Red Sea, Oppenheimer split the atom, but...”
— Steve Antczak
Apr 22nd
When I’m at work Diamond naps in her favorite rocking...
Apr 22nd
“All governments bugger the citizens, but liberals use lube.”
Apr 22nd
Apr 21st
“Baseball players are smarter than football players. How...”
— Jim Bouton
Apr 21st
Apr 21st
PosTit Tuesday!
Apr 21st
“Life is like a prick. When it’s hard you get fucked....”
— H.C. Friedman
Apr 21st
Listen Listen
Robert Klein - Athletics (comedy)
Apr 21st
Apr 21st

Rodney Dangerfield

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” “I could tell...
Apr 21st
(via johnlennon2)
Apr 21st
Apr 21st

Rip Snortin' Lines

If your name was homework, I’d be doing you on my desk right now… Plan to be spontaneous...
Apr 21st
Fun with tumblr trends. Good vs. evil. (click to enlarge)
Apr 21st
Apr 21st
“Don’t talk more shit than your ass can produce.”
Apr 21st
Fun with tumblr trends. Yankees vs. Red Sox Just like the...
Apr 21st
“There has never been a cat Who couldn’t calm me down...”
— Rod McKuen
Apr 21st
Fun with tumblr trends. David beats Goliath every time....
Apr 21st
Apr 21st
Listen Listen
Robert Klein - Substitute School Teacher
Apr 21st
Apr 21st
“Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about...”
— Bill Hicks
Apr 20th
Apr 20th

How To Milk A Cow

The udder is not just an upside-down milk bottle waiting to be uncorked. It is a gland that secretes...
Apr 20th
Apr 20th
“Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is...”
— Sir Arthur Eddington
Apr 20th
Apr 20th
Listen Listen
Eric Burdon & The Animals - When I Was Young
Apr 20th
Apr 20th

Famous School Reports

The Mummy needs to learn to be more aware of the feelings of other pupils in the class. For now, he...
Apr 20th
Apr 19th

Lung Cancer

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Scientists have detected two substances in tobacco smoke that directly cause...
Apr 19th
Keith and family…
Apr 19th
“In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now...”
Apr 19th
Noah’s cow ark!
Apr 19th

Daily Cow #11

Daily Cow #11
Apr 19th
Apr 19th
“Baseball fans are junkies, and their heroin is the...”
— Robert S. Wieder
Apr 19th
Apr 18th
Apr 18th
“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:...”
— Albert Schweitzer
Apr 18th
Apr 18th

Watch Out

I like to watch bird watchers. I also like to watch security guards whenever I go into a store. When...
Apr 18th
You got the job Cuddlemeir. You start on Caturday…
Apr 18th
Apr 18th
“Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill...”
— George Orwell
Apr 18th
Reach for the remote and change the channel...
Apr 18th
“Give me peace, love, peace, love, give me peace, love, and a...”
— Tori Amos
Apr 18th
This is Dick Short who lives in Smallville.
Apr 18th

ASH #6

Ash#06 Poetry, prose, short stories and cool graphics from 1991 print zine.
Apr 18th
The cover for All Cud To Cud #3.
Apr 18th

My Print Zine Past

I Googled myself today (not what you think fellow sexmeisters) and discovered that a zine I edited...
Apr 18th
Apr 17th

Three Jokes

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a...
Apr 17th
Apr 17th

Who Gives A Fuck?

So what’s the big news these days? The recession starting to see an upswing in China? North Korea...
Apr 17th
Apr 17th

Beware Of Joggers

I don’t understand people who jog. Especially those who jog down a trafffic-filled street that...
Apr 17th
Apr 17th
Listen Listen
Jackson Browne - I’m The Cat
Apr 17th
Apr 17th
“When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks...”
— Rule of Feline Frustration
Apr 17th
“A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who...”
— M*A*S*H, Klinger,...
Apr 17th
I was quite the Little League player!
Apr 17th
Installed the baseball chip today.
Apr 17th
Gave up too many hits and made too many pitches. Another...
Apr 17th
Apr 17th
“There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find...”
— Elisabeth Kubler
Apr 17th
Yoda Yogi Yoga…
Apr 16th
“It’s baseball season! It’s so exciting. Tomorrow is...”
— Jimmy Fallon
Apr 16th
Apr 16th
“Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.”
— Satchel Paige
Apr 16th
…Succubus…
Apr 16th
“Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they’re...”
— Unknown
Apr 16th
Apr 15th

Periscope Down...

Apr 15th
RUN DMC
Apr 15th
Listen Listen
Who - Love Ain’t For Keeping
Apr 15th
Apr 15th

Blind Cow Publications

Blind Cow Publications has revolutionized the concept of obfuscation. Do you have a strategy to...
Apr 15th
Apr 15th
“Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were...”
— (Leno)
Apr 15th
Apr 15th
“Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the...”
— Leighann Lord
Apr 15th
Apr 15th
“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with...”
— Lily Tomlin
Apr 15th
Leopard Skin Cow Pillbox Hat
Apr 15th
“I tell you this, no eternal reward can forgive us now for...”
— Jim Morrison
Apr 15th
Apr 14th

Tim Teufel Statue At Mets Stadium

NEW YORK—Although an undeniable atmosphere of excitement swirled around new Mets ballpark Citi Field...
Apr 14th
It’s Titty Tuesday!
Apr 14th
“Women are always complaining about men’s fascination...”
— Jonathan Carroll
Apr 14th
Apr 14th
Got my weekly prescription filled today.
Apr 14th
“The term clinical depression finds its way into too many...”
— Leonard Cohen
Apr 14th
My monthly donation to the sperm bank. They laughed at the...
Apr 14th
“It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for...”
— Dave Barry
Apr 14th
Boner Killer #1  Barbara’s Bush
Apr 14th
“Whereas you can believe as many stupid things as you like,...”
— A.C. Grayling
Apr 14th
Apr 13th
“You are one load your mother should have swallowed.”
— Unknown
Apr 13th
Apr 13th
“I have a rendezvous with Death At some disputed barricade,...”
— Alan Seeger
Apr 13th
Apr 12th
“Don’t marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick...”
— Unknown
Apr 12th
Apr 12th
“the next thing i say to you will be true the last thing i...”
— DEVO
Apr 12th
Apr 12th
Apr 12th
“Go fuck a duck!”
Apr 12th
Listen Listen
Andrew Gold - Lonely Boy
Apr 12th
Not a bad start. Good control, no run support. Next start is...
Apr 11th
Apr 11th

Dashboard Pictures

Pictures of people I’m tired of seeing in my dashboard: Iggy Pop Blondie Patti Smith David...
Apr 11th
Apr 11th

Superman?

Why is is that when the crooks shot at Superman he stuck his chest out and let the bullets bounce of...
Apr 11th
Diamond just finished her Caturday treat and is looking out...
Apr 11th
“I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am...”
— Jules Verne
Apr 11th
Dice baseball season opener!
Apr 11th

Dice Baseball #2

The second season begins today of my second season of dice baseball. I am the fifth starter on the...
Apr 11th
Apr 11th
“What happens when we’re dead? The irony is that all...”
— John Ryman, “When...
Apr 11th
Apr 11th
Listen Listen
Ramones - Something To Believe In
Apr 11th
Apr 11th
“One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed....”
— E.V. Lucas
Apr 11th
Apr 10th
“Baby conceived using sperm that was frozen for 21 years is...”
— Drew “Headline”...
Apr 10th
Apr 10th
“Porn is just like sex with all the awkwardness edited out.”
— Phineas Narco
Apr 10th
Apr 10th
Listen Listen
Police - Too Much Information
Apr 10th
Apr 10th
“Technological progress has merely provided us with more...”
— Aldous Huxley
Apr 10th
Apr 10th
“There could be whole antiworlds and antipeople made out of...”
— Stephen Hawking
Apr 10th
Apr 10th

Huffs & Puffs

Smokers are losing their last major indoor refuges on the House side of the Capitol complex. The...
Apr 10th
Apr 10th

Uniform Code Of Military Justice #2

925. ART. 125. SODOMY (a) Any person subject to this chapter who engages in unnatural carnal ...
Apr 10th
Apr 10th

Uniform Code of Military Justice

920. ART. 120. RAPE AND CARNAL KNOWLEDGE (a) Any person subject to this chapter who commits an act...
Apr 10th
Apr 9th

Chametz Burning

Members of the synagogue in DeWitt gathered to mark the first day of Passover with a traditional...
Apr 9th
Zappa at home with Mom & Dad…
Apr 9th
“I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than...”
— Frank Zappa
Apr 9th

Aquarius Rising Mix

Goo Goo Dolls - I Don’t Want To Know Matthew Good - Born Losers George Harrison - The...
Apr 9th
Apr 9th

The Handjob Handbook

Subtitled: A Work of Non-Friction by Marsha Normandy In the sport of love, there are times when...
Apr 9th
Apr 9th

Scatology

Once a famous Hellenic philosopher, his master in the dark days of his enslaved youth, had asked him...
Apr 9th
Apr 8th

Poop On The Clock

I have a very good friend who once confessed to me that he only poops at work. He told me that it is...
Apr 8th
Apr 8th
Listen Listen
Steppenwolf - Rock Me
Apr 8th
Apr 7th
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers...”
— Douglas Adams
Apr 7th
Listen Listen
Ann Wilson - Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall
Apr 7th
Maker of Scotch Tape, Post-It Notes Cuts 1,200 Jobs Pink...
Apr 7th
Apr 7th

I'm A Member Of...

The Holy Church of Moo The Church of the Subgenius The Church of Euthanasia The First Church...
Apr 7th
Apr 5th

The Greatest Lies

I love you This won’t hurt a bit The check’s in the mail I was just going to call...
Apr 5th
This is what my tongue is going to do to you when I find...
Apr 5th
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, Let’s party!”
— Robin Williams
Apr 5th
Apr 4th
“Fire in dentist’s office burns three people, readily...”
— Drew Fark
Apr 4th
Apr 4th
Listen Listen
Jimi Hendrix - Cat Talkin’ To Me
Apr 4th
Happy Caturday! Diamond awaits Opening Day by sitting on her...
Apr 4th
“Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet.”
Apr 4th
Apr 3rd
“A lot of good has come from drugs. I think ‘Penny...”
— Bill Maher
Apr 3rd

Things That Should Be Done Topless

* The Olympics * Directing Traffic * Watching The View * Scrabble * Shopping for guns * Going...
Apr 3rd